Friendship Faux Pas

Are you letting down your BFF without even realising it? By Stephanie Osfield.

Have you made any friendship faux pas lately? Like telling your friend how she should handle a situation or  standing her up because you got an offer to date a guy on Saturday night? If so, then you've broken the code - unspoken rules about how to be a supportive, caring and reliable friend. Do it too often and you could find your BFF taking you off her speed dial. Maybe you're doing it without even realising you're putting your friendship at risk. To help you wake up to the most common unspoken friendship rules, here's a list of things to consider. Avoid these faux pas and your friendship will become closer and stronger though the years. 

Standing Her Up Last minute..

Friendship is based on loyalty. So if you say you're going to be there stick to your word. Standing a friend up last minute is a big no-no. Do it one too many times and she will either feel you're trying to give her the flick or feel really hurt and annoyed by how unreliable you are. Either way, it will damage your relationship over time. Then you might suddenly find yourself having to go to the big party solo because she pulls out at the last minute on you.

Being Too Clingy 

There's nothing more exhausting than a suffocating or needy friend. If you're acting this way then your BFF might feel she's more like your mother than your girlfriend. This might not only make her want to avoid you sometimes, but it could lead her to be secretive because she's worried that having any kind of  life outside of her relationship with you will make you feel threatened or jealous or angry. Wake up. Just because you two are close doesn't mean that you can't hang out with other people sometimes. Space apart can be good for both of you and ensure that you come back fresh, with new stories and goes to tell each other. So don't treat your bestie like she belongs to you or like she's doing the dirty on you when you find out she's organised to catch up with her sister/work colleague/boyfriend this weekend and you're not invited. 

"When  we realise that someone close to us has other significant relationships that can be threathening because we fear we will  be replaced." says psychologist and relationship counsellor, Mandy Lawson. " In fact, maintaining a varied social network is critical to a close friendship because it allows you  to develop and express parts of yourself that you may not otherwise get the chance to explore. Keeping your social network a little wider will also improve your social skills and enhance your confidence."

Always Giving Your Opinion

Besties  can be like your own personal counsellor on top and that;s a special thing. When your friend wants that kind of advice and asks you for it, it's great that you're available to give it to her. But if you  offer your opinion about everything from her haircut to her boyfriend problem when she didn't ask you to weigh in, you could be really getting on her nerves without even knowing it. Being a friend does not mean that you are automatically her life coach. So don't tell her how to improve her love life. Firstly, who said you're an expert on all of these subjects? Secondly, implying that you know better about everything will make her feel you think she's hopeless and clueless. "Instead of telling your friend what she would help her life," suggests her support while prompting her to come up with her own solutions."

Spilling A Secret 

Let's get one thing straight - secrets from your friend go straight into the vault - and they stay there. You should never ever spill the details of something your BFF told you in confidence - it's the ultimate betrayal. End of story.

Sucking Up Compliments But Never Giving Them

Think back about all the ego-bolstering things your bestie has said to you lately - from saying you're the "go to" person for solving problems to telling you that you will find a boyfriend because you're such a fantastic girl . What about you, though - have you been sending compliments in her direction? If not, it's time to make more effort to bolster her ego. Does your friend look fantastic in that new pair of jeans? Tell her. Has she propped you up through a recent break-up or work problem? Thank her for being your own personal pillar of strength. Though we spend much of our time with your best buddies talking about men and sex and period problems, at a deeper level, we hang out with friends because they make us feel good about life and good about ourselves. So take every opportunity to tell a friend how great she is. Don't skimp on details - instead of just saying " I feel better now" after a long talk, say: "thanks for listening and making me feel better. You're always so thoughtful and know just the right thing to say. It means a lot to me to have you to talk to. I hop eyou know I'm always here for you in the same way."

"Boosting a friend's ego is a win-win situation," says Lawson. "Your friend will not only appreciate the fact that you don't take her for granted but your praise is likely to encourage her to praise you in return so you will feel better about yourself too."

Being Me-centric

It's great to be able to debrief with your bestie about your sister's awful behaviour or how clueless your boyfriend has been lately. But make sure that you're not just dumping your problems on her all the time without listening in return. That doesn't mean you can't give her a blow-by-blow account of your day, your new gym class and the lipstick you just bought - but don't launch into discussion of me-me-me without even bothering to ask what's going on for her. When you do focus on your BFF make sure that you don't just give her a femtosecond of your attention before bringing the chat back to you, you, you. Really listen and invent in what she's saying. Otherwise your self-centered approach could eventually prove teh kiss of death to your friendship. Few things are death to your friendship. Few things are more boring than a person totally absorbed in themselves, their life and their own strong opinions. 

"Most of us need to work harder to become good listeners," says psychologist, Tanya Stephens. " An easy way to do this is to verbally respond when a friend tell you something, so that she's sure you're listening. Take an interest, as how she reacted, ask how she's feeling now and what she thinks she might do. This is called 'active listening' and it's the foundation on which long-lasting friendships are built." 

To get into the zone each time you see a friend, try starting the conversation by asking about how she is and how she's feeling. That way she will never get the impression you're just there to offload your own emotional baggage  and knows that you care about her and what's going on in her life. 

Ignoring Her Text 

" The secret to maintaning constant contact with friend is to pick up the phone no matter how you're feeling," says Stephens. " If you're sick, tired, or still stuck in the office - call your friend anyway and her so. Explain that it will just be a short call and you'll catch up properly later. Then make sure you tell her: 'Even though I haven't seen you much I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you.' Your friend will feel special and needed even though your phone call was only short and sweet.

Above all, never send an email in response to a friend's call and don't habitually leave a message on her mobile or home number when you know she'll be unlikely to answer. According to Stephens: " Taking these shortcuts can't really be called keeping in touch - in fact it has the opposite effect. It sends a message that says 'I'm to avoiding you' or 'my time is too precious to waste speaking to you' it makes your friend feel that you don't value her enough to make an effort.